Kim's First draft Essay 1 Chapter 1
In the first chapter of the book "unSpun", written by Brooks Jackson and Kathleen Hall Jamieson, the authors really try to drive home the point that the American Public is scammed. The authors tell a story about a man in the late 1800's who was selling fake snake oil to people, claiming that it would rid them of any pain or lameness. They then go on to tell a story of a product in 2006 that claimed to be made out of emu oil and that would make wrinkles disapear. Suprisingly enough the product did not work. " That's where a century of progress in product promotion has gotten us: from baseline claims for snake oil to baseline claims for emu oil."(Brooks Jackson and Kathleen Hall Jamieson) The authors make many more points to make the reader believe that they are getting ripped of because of lies that are told not only in advertising, but also by politisions who are running campains.I have a differant view on the hole thing. The American public is only getting ripped off because they are so unhappy with themselves that they will believe almost anything in order to get a quick fix to their problems.
Now a days it seems like infomersials are a dime a dozen. My favorites are the comercials that promise a complete body make over in 30 days. For only 4 easy payments of $49.99 you to can look like Betty! What they fail to mention is that the exersizes and diet you must follow are nothing less than torture. Incase you can't tell I have fallen victom to a couple infomercial scams. Am I really a vicom though. When you see something that is to good to be true usualy it is, so wouldn't it then be my own stupidity for buying the product in the first place. Of course it is. Insteed of taking $19.99 down to the gym and getting a membership, I decide that I would rather spent six times that much so that I can take the easy way out and get results in a couple weeks instead of a couple month.
The problem today isn't the corupt advertising or politics, it's people wanting to take the easy way out. Thats why polititions will stop at nothing to win an election. Of course their going to promise whatever they think America wants to hear. Of course their going to make themselves look like a saint and their competitors look like slum. They want to win,and us as an American public want the easy way out. We'll vote for whoever promises us the road to riches and the garden of eden. It's sad, but it's true.
Unfortunatly Jackson and Jamieson were right when they stated that product promotion hasn't changed much over the last century, but neither has our society. Instead of progressing towards more healthy alternitaves in our life styles, we have ever so much progressed towards the qiuck fix. In doing that we have also made our selves more saseptible to believing in the quick fix. Instead of blaming others, such as advertising, we should blame ourselves for believing in something that is unreachable.
- anonymous's blog
- Login or register to post comments
In your introduction I am
In your introduction I am having a hard time knowing if you are going to talk about the chapter or if you are going to go into an essay on how America is quick to believe anything for the quick fix.
There are several spelling errors throughout your essay. If your spell check isn't catching them maybe have someone proof it for you before you submit.
The body of your essay is a little short. Maybe add more detail that summarizes the chapter that you have chosen to explore.
Your conclusion ties in well with the point that you state in your intro.
Kim W
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for pointing that out. Yes I realize I have a lot of spelling errors. I suck at spelling. However, THIS IS MY FIRST DRAFT.
to kim p
The introduction seems to be doing two things right now, touching on the first points of the first chapter, but also introducing the notion that we get scammed because, in general, we take the easy way out. Before going to the summary, use your own words to set up what you see as the problem, people taking the easy way out. I guess the snake oil and emu oil, even though they are chapter one, fit this. The claim is good and workable for the assignment.
Where I get a little confused is that I'm not seeing the summary of the whole chapter, which is an essential part of this assignment. Without the summary, your reader won't know what it is you are responding to. So, if you are going with the first chapter, start with the summary, providing a map of the original, all the major details, and an example to illustrate each of those details.
Following that, the response has to build on something from chapter one. Maybe my problem is that you mention a warning sign from chapter two, too good to be true. The assignment should clearly address just one chapter from the reading. The essay contains a great idea to build the summary and response around, but it also must be more systematic in summarizing one of the chapters and then responding to some element of that chapter. I can see this draft going to chapter two and providing a variety of example of how the "too good to be true" scam works because people are looking for the easier and softer way. If the essay is to go in that direction, then it's chapter two that needs to be summarized. Using the snake oil and emu oil examples to set things up in the introduction can work though to set the stage for the chapter two summary and response.
Bradley
Ch one
I just read your responce and I guess I'm a little confused. Didn't we already do a summary? Any ways I did only pick one chapter and that was Ch. one. IThe part about to good to be true is my words, and it's my way of saying " If your getting ripped off it's your own fault". Sorry for the confusion. I'll be sure and take that out of the final draft.
yes, but
The summaries we did in the earlier step were preparation for a fuller summary as part of the essay itself. Add the summary element from what you've already done and be sure you have a specific example from the text. I'm sure you can clarify the "too good to be true" element so it doesn't come across as a warning sign from chapter two. Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns. Bradley
Thank you
Thank you for clarrifying the assignment for me. I think I'm just going to re- word my thoughts a little.
Nicely worded
Introduction
Your introduction drew me in. Your style interested me and encouraged me to continue reading. I feel that “I have a differant view” is weak. Consider something like this instead: “The authors would have us believe that we are getting ripped of because of lies that are told not only in advertising, but also by campaigning politicians. Is it the fault of the advertisers, or we as a society constantly in search of instant remedy? The American public is only getting ripped off because we are so unhappy with ourselves that we will believe almost anything in order to get a quick fix to our problems.” (You are part of the American public as well, so I suggest using “we” instead of “they”.)
Clearly and Objectively Reflects Original Text
You could make your middle paragraphs fatter by using a few more specifics from the book.
Response presents student views on text
I feel you have integrated your views well throughout.
Conclusion
You conclusion drives home your opinion. I feel it works well.
Paragraphs
I feel your paragraphs are a bit short compared to your introduction and conclusion. They fit well and their topics match the criteria. I feel they should have more “meat” than the intro and conclusion.
Conventions of Standard American English
Your writing style is nice and easy to read. It feels personal because you reflect upon yourself throughout the essay. I suggest you run your essay through a spelling and grammar check before final submission to catch little guys like "now a days", "exersizes", and capitalization of "The Garden of Eden."
Thank you for your input on
Thank you for your input on my paper. I will besure and change the "they" to "we". That was good advise and much appriciated.