Essay 1 Draft
At what point in the history of the United States did the corruption begin and in what ways? Of course there is the industrial revolution that completely changed the course of direction for the agricultural community, but there is also the deception in politics and everyday products such as Listerine and Snake Oil. In the book Un-Spun: Finding facts in a World of Disinformation the authors Brooks Jackson and Kathleen Hall Jamieson, talk about all the ways to avoid the scams that our world has put out there to get the best of you.
Starting off with the some of the first scams in the sales industry are Snake Oil Liniment and Emu Oil. The Snake Oil Liniment was made with the claim that it could heal all ailments. If you had a pain in your body or something that was bothering you the Snake Oil would take it all away. Little did the buyers know that the so-called “cure all” cream was nothing more than mineral oil (petroleum product). The product had other things added to it but there was no actual snake oil found in the product. How is that allowed? I wonder how people can get away with things like that.
Today of course, scams are harder and harder to pull off but they still are possible. The food and drug administration that the U.S. has today is what was made to ensure that scams such as, Snake Oil, are unable to be sold and advertised here in the U.S. Of course there is also the research into the medical field about what the food and drug administration really does. There has been a lot of research on the natural cures that are hidden here in the United States. That’s a whole other story though.
Although there is a lot of deceiving things in the products that are out on the shelves there is also a lot of deception on the political shelves. Presidents in all the history have deceived you, your ancestors and me. They have found ways to completely twist their worlds so that they are telling the truth in a complete lie. The craziest part about all the lies and misleading truths is that they are actually allowed to do that. Presidents are allowed to make up things and twist words around about their opponent. I don’t know about you, but the fact that presidents can completely mislead voters about one another makes me not want to vote for either one.
Now that we are all informed on where and how some of the first scams came to be we must learn how to avoid them. We are given some of the first facts needed to build the history of disinformation on and then we will learn how to avoid any scam; the ones from consumer products and also the lovely politicians. Put your thinking caps on kids because you really need to think hard to find these scams.
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With the introduction, make it clear why it might be of interest or importance that Jackson and Jamieson talk about the various ways to avoid being scammed. What do we, as readers, gain from this knowledge? Spell that out for your reader and there will be more of a point to drive home in the conclusion.
When it comes to the summary, be sure to provide each of the major details and one example for each in the chapter, which looks to be chapter one. The assignment calls for the summary as well as the response.
When it comes to the response, there is a need to focus on and develop some of the major details, make it clear why we should be concerned with them, provide an example from the text (but not the same example used in the summary since there tend to be at least two examples for each chapter one major detail. This provides fuller coverage) and then an example from your experience. Since the examples are the snake and emu oil, I have to assume that there are similar "snake oils" still being sold. It might be weight loss remedies or something of that sort, or wrinkle creams, or sex aids, or you name it. Conclude each point with some explanation that makes it clear why a reader should care about this and then the conclusion where the discussion is plugged into some broader context, based on the claim of the introduction.
Bradley
Intro:In the intro you gave
Intro:In the intro you gave the title correctly and the authors names although you may want to put quotes around the title or underline so it stands out.It isn't clear in the intro which chapter you are going to discuss in the essay, but it does grab the readers attention with your questions.
Original text reflected:The summary part only goes in to the snake oil and eum oil. If you are covering chapter one in the summary you are missing a great deal of details from the book.
Bradley gives a map of each chapter here:
http://bleckblog.org/comp/node/2948
Response: This is mostly a respond essay, you may want to confine it to one paragraph. After you fill in all the necessary details of the summary you won't need as much of a response, but to touch on a few of the details in your own words.
Great job!
Intro: You pointed out the summary, but the general information is slightly vague.
Summary: the summary could use a tad bit more description and telling of the story.
Response: One thing that stands out to me is the multiple uses of the word “there”. It’s almost distracting. Maybe restate the thought instead of using the word “there” so much.
Also to back up your points you should add some examples that are currently affecting the present.
Conclusion: you drive home the point directly within the first sentence, which is nice for the reader.
Overall your essay is well thought out and sounds like a great start. Adding some examples will add so power to the point that you are trying to make. Good Job.
needs a bit more!
I really like your intro, it’s catchy. I think that you need to touch on more topics in chapter one, the only one you talk about is the snake/emu oil. There are a lot more topics in the chapter that you can touch upon. Also I can’t find your thesis statement. I would add to your draft and tie other topics form the chapter in to make a more concise essay. Everything is very nicely worded just needs more.
Nice paper
Hi. I just wanted to comment on a few things real quick. First, I think you have a really strong intro paragraph. I'm having a little trouble pin pointing your thesis though. I was thinking it was the first sentence. I think you should probably try to make that stand out a little more and bring it out again in your conclusion. You have a lot of great examples and the rest of the paper looks really good!