Brittany's Essay Four
Submitted by anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 03:05.
Uniforms vs. Self Expression
Is how we dress the only way for one to express one’s self? There is a debate going on about whether or not uniforms in public schools are a good idea or not. Those opposed to the idea are against it because is suppresses their child’s freedom of speech. And those for having uniforms in school believe that it will help improve their child’s success. Over the course of this paper the reader will see the pro’s and the con’s to wearing uniforms in public schools.
Uniforms should be promoted in public schools! School administrators find it hard trying to figure out an appropriate dress code, that students would actually follow. Many students do not follow the dress codes that are currently in place by having boys that may let pants sag too low or girls that wear revealing or provocative clothes. Parents like the idea because it takes away some of the pressures that comes with attending school. Some students feel pressured by the way other students dress because they let clothes define who they are. It is also more affordable for parents, not having to worry about buying the latest fashions for their son or daughter so that they will fit in. the pressure students are under with clothes is mostly about the name brand which can get pretty spendy and most families cannot afford to pay those high costs. The reasons for wearing uniforms are justified and are even proven through statistics. It is a proven fact that when our children wear uniforms to school the crime rates, sexual offences and school suspensions go down.
We should not let uniforms take over our schools! Parents and students feel that by having to wear uniforms it takes the students right to self-expression. When in truth clothes are not the only way someone can express themselves. If it’s looks they are worried about they can always change how they wear their hair or how they wear their uniform. For example they can wear knee high socks rather than wearing ankle socks or they can unbutton the top or their shirt a little bit rather than wearing it buttoned up all the way to the top. Parents also feel that is an unnecessary imposition imposed by the school administrators. This is not true because they are trying to draw the students attention to the actual school work and away from having to fit in based on clothes. By having to wear uniforms that are ugly or unflattering they believe that it will weaken that of the students’ self-image. Another reason for why they are against uniforms is that the schools may be making the wrong impression with a fact that by wearing uniforms it prevents conflict. This idea is not so thought through because in all actuality this maybe prevented simply by the school informing the students on a regular basis that this is not true.
The compromise that has been established for quite some time now is that there is a dress code, so rather than having to go completely into wearing uniforms but it also prevents students from showing up to school in inappropriate clothing. The pro’s and con’s can be easily understood for some and they may see the point on both sides but the statistics are on the side for uniforms in public schools. A survey done in California has proven:
• Overall, the crime rate dropped by 91%
• School suspensions dropped by 90%
• Sex offenses were reduced by 96%
• Incidents of vandalism went down 69%
(educationbug.org).
To put it simply we should not let students go to school under the impression that clothes completely define who they are.
NOTE: I know this could use some work but it is a draft after all. I could use all the points i can get because i have a little writers block.
Please and Thank You.
Brittany
Brittany Doring
Bleck
11/16/09
Uniforms should be promoted in public schools! School administrators find it hard trying to figure out an appropriate dress code, that students would actually follow. Many students do not follow the dress codes that are currently in place by having boys that may let pants sag too low or girls that wear revealing or provocative clothes. Parents like the idea because it takes away some of the pressures that comes with attending school. Some students feel pressured by the way other students dress because they let clothes define who they are. It is also more affordable for parents, not having to worry about buying the latest fashions for their son or daughter so that they will fit in. the pressure students are under with clothes is mostly about the name brand which can get pretty spendy and most families cannot afford to pay those high costs. The reasons for wearing uniforms are justified and are even proven through statistics. It is a proven fact that when our children wear uniforms to school the crime rates, sexual offences and school suspensions go down.
We should not let uniforms take over our schools! Parents and students feel that by having to wear uniforms it takes the students right to self-expression. When in truth clothes are not the only way someone can express themselves. If it’s looks they are worried about they can always change how they wear their hair or how they wear their uniform. For example they can wear knee high socks rather than wearing ankle socks or they can unbutton the top or their shirt a little bit rather than wearing it buttoned up all the way to the top. Parents also feel that is an unnecessary imposition imposed by the school administrators. This is not true because they are trying to draw the students attention to the actual school work and away from having to fit in based on clothes. By having to wear uniforms that are ugly or unflattering they believe that it will weaken that of the students’ self-image. Another reason for why they are against uniforms is that the schools may be making the wrong impression with a fact that by wearing uniforms it prevents conflict. This idea is not so thought through because in all actuality this maybe prevented simply by the school informing the students on a regular basis that this is not true.
The compromise that has been established for quite some time now is that there is a dress code, so rather than having to go completely into wearing uniforms but it also prevents students from showing up to school in inappropriate clothing. The pro’s and con’s can be easily understood for some and they may see the point on both sides but the statistics are on the side for uniforms in public schools. A survey done in California has proven:
• Overall, the crime rate dropped by 91%
• School suspensions dropped by 90%
• Sex offenses were reduced by 96%
• Incidents of vandalism went down 69%
(educationbug.org).
To put it simply we should not let students go to school under the impression that clothes completely define who they are.
NOTE: I know this could use some work but it is a draft after all. I could use all the points i can get because i have a little writers block.
Please and Thank You.
Brittany
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in the intro, try not to say
in the intro, try not to say "Over the course of this paper the reader will see the pro’s and the con’s to wearing uniforms in public schools." in stead mabe say though there are pros and cons to both arguments, both sides make legidimate points, and... idk somthing like that. i think the paper has a good start, and i like the stats, good job. go uniforms!!! lol
mabey list some things bat grades or somthing in sc jools w/ uniforms. good luch :)
Your intro is lacking which
Your intro is lacking which you are trying to argue yah or nah. Your thesis isn't developed 1
your body is undeveloped and is unclear of what piont is trying to be pushed onto the reader. I suggest researching this more and giving evidence to what you are saying.
Try to take your last sentence and use that for your thesis and try involving that into your body and the IMPORTANCE!
Williams response
I like the title... Interesting subject... Could use more background info. I would maybe put your thesis (which appears to be the first sentence of the second para) in the intro, and start the second para with a topic sentence relating back to the thesis. As it is, the second para has a clear topic sentence. Need some authoritatave citations to support 'Parents like the idea because...' and Some students feel pressured...' and 'reasons for wearing uniforms are justified...' within the para.
The oppositional para topic sentence is a bit confusing because it sounds as though what you are presneting is your stance. It would be good to provide some citations which refute the opposition... or logically show how absurd it is to think self-expression should be such a major concern in regards to children and what is supposed to be there education.
I would not rely on the stats alone, as surveys can easily be skewed to favor those asking the questions. Maybe you could explore the stats more... is the uniform policy simply a corralation, or is it truly the cause of these reductions in sex offenses, crime, suspensions and vandalism? How were the stats formulated? I agree with your view on this subject, I just dont have trust in the stats. I think many readers, without further exploration, would find it hard to accept that overall crime dropped by 91% purely as a result of changing the dress policy. It would be good to give some explanation of these stats, maybe find some authoritative sources to back up these stats. What about other states or cities that have adopted uniforms? Have they experienced the same decrease in sex offenses and vandalism? Do you have a child in school, or some experience you can use to help illustrate your claim?
As for the rest, it's in progress. Good job so far. Good subject choice, interesting for me to read. As a reader who's mind could be persuaded to your claim, I need more hard evidence, or more logically executed argument.
As far as grammar, or sentence structure, a few spots could use wome work: First para, second sent, I would scrap one of the two 'or not'.
First para, fourth sent, 'those for having' maybe something like those in favor of, or those who support uniforms in school.
Third para, second sent, 'takes the students right' maybe could be something like, denies the right of the student
Look over your warrants at the end of the paras. Make sure they tie the para back to the thesis.
GOOD WORK!
Gladys' response to Brittany's paper
Overall, I'd give your paper a 2. It needs a lot of work in relation to facts and your thesis. Your paper seemed for like a contrasting essay. Instead, it should have your opinion and then facts supporting it, along with examples.Then a rebuttal and then a response to the rebuttal persuading the writers why you are right.
Introduction:2 Good hook! You need to include some of the main ideas that you talk about in your body paragraphs
Essay Focus:1 I have no idea if you are pro uniforms or not. The last sentence of your introduction should say something along the lines of "Uniforms should/shouldn't be inforced in schools because...." and then reiterated in the first sentence of your conclusion.
Development of Ideas:1 Seems like you just came up with ideas of why and why not uniforms should be enforced. What I recommend you do is for the first body paragraph give a topic sentence of what you're about to talk about. For example, "enforcing uniforms in school avoid the identity of gangs and protects students in the environment." (something like that, not the best sentence) Then you need to find a source that explains that maybe you could use the crime rate. After that, explain your opinion on it and make sure to include examples. For the second body paragraph you need to have a rebuttal. For example, "Some may argue that wearing uniforms causes students to rebel and feel inseparable from others" then mind facts on how kids act out b/c they have to wear them and how it doesn't allow them to express themselves...for your third paragraph, argue back but professionally. Example: Although wearing uniforms causes rebellion, it has better advantanges then disadvantages." Then explain why and like I said above include facts and examples! Your conclusion should have your thesis restated right away and then recap your main points to why you feel this way about uniforms. I hope this helped alot! Just remember the whole point is to persuade your reader to agree with you whether uniforms are good or bad.
organization:3 i recommend you take out the bulleted statistics and make them into sentences.
Wording:4 pretty good!
response to assignment:1 hopefully it'll be a 4 with the suggestions above
appropriateness: 4 very appropriate!